So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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