I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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