I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
