you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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