o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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