is your mom at the bar?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
