i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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