you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
