you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
