that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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