I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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