you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
