I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
