I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
