In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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