i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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