am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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