he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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