My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
