You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
