After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
