suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
