your parents love me but you hate me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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