Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
