Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
