You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
