did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
