All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
