On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
