What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Randomize
