Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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