Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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