I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
