Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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