Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
