Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
