just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
