Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
