my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
