When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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