Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
