so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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