He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I stole a fireplace last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
