Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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