So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
