I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
