we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
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He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
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