Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
