I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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