I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
