In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ttyl tear gas
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
