I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
