thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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