Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
