I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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