She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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