doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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