remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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