You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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