right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
