I accidentally had phone sex last night
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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