sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
