I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
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Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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