i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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