The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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