he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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