two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i was born a porn star she said
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
