i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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