I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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